deep are the wounds
i spent much of my life
hating myself because my
father spent much of his life
hating himself and, when i was
young he hated me, didn't spend
time with me, conveyed to me two
primary and strong messages
what the fuck is wrong with you?
i don't like who you are
those were the messages,
plus there was abandonment,
not spending time with me, and
so i learned, i concluded, that there
was something wrong with me, that
i wasn't lovable, that i was broken and
flawed, and that people didn't want
to be with me
this is what i learned
shame, abandonment,
rejection
i learned to hate
myself, and to abandon
myself, and to reject myself
it was so hard
to learn otherwise
it was so hard to learn
to allow myself
to be loved
it was so hard to learn
that i was lovable, and to learn
to trust people, and to allow myself
to be loved, to let people close to me,
to release the belief that people would
attack me, and reject me, and find fault
with me, and then leave me, it was so hard,
so hard, so hard to let love back into my life,
to choose love, to trust others, to know
that i was lovable, to allow myself
to be loved
i had to learn to quit being mean to myself
i had to learn to choose kindness
i had to learn to stop doing
what was done to me
it is so simple to say
so logical and clear and simple
what was needed to be done,
the course of action, but
it was so hard to
actually do it
deep are the wounds
that get ingrained
into the heart





